Sunday, November 30, 2008
Murmuring
The other day I was reading Alma 58:35 and I read "Behold, we do not know but what ye are unsuccessful, and ye have drawn away the forces into that quarter of the land; if so, we do not desire to murmur." Over and over I have heard that you should not murmur, you should not murmur, you should not murmur, and so I have stived to not be negative and murmur at all. I was amazed that there was a righteous reason to complain. It is against the Lord that we should not murmur. There may be a righteous reason to tell someone to change, like my wife does to me every once and a while. And I am glad to hear that I need to clean more or be more organized. Although sometimes it is too much for me. I still know that, if anything, I need to murmur less and be more grateful, but there may be a time to lovingly complain. Not an easy task to lovingly complain, but an interesting inking for me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Boundaries
One of the wonderful thing about working with so many families (I have a job in therapy) is that I get different perspectives on what is going on in a family. The most recent thing I have taken note of is whether or not families place boundaries on their children (not to say I am the perfect example).
A quick story: During my masters program I went to an opening social with my family. My daughter was given a balloon, which she decided I was not allowed to tie to her arm. Dutifully I followed her around so she would not cry when she let go of her balloon. I was following her around chairs when one of the professors said something like, "Well, we know which of you has the power," and laughed a little. It was a kind comment that stuck. Shouldn't I be letting my daughter learn from the consequences. The boundaries set by life itself are some of the most powerful.
Another example: I had a conversation recently with someone at work about whether or not to expect our children sit still in church and listen to the speaker or give them something entertaining to do. He moved here from England and thinks that we are too soft in the United States. I have to admit that I am somewhere in between. I entertain, but I also set boundaries (and who knows if that is the best strategy or not)--which was hard for me at first. I remember one Sunday, probably the first Sunday I was with my two girls all alone, the kids were climbing under the seats and all over the place until a sister in the ward called them over and got their attention with something. Boy did I feel relieved. Since then I have learned to set boundaries and not allow them to climb under the seats, leave the row, etc. Sometimes I have had to take them out and hold them, and it has slowly paid off.
When I look around at other families at church I see many that have children that are out of control--"ADHD," maybe on medication--and they often complain about their children. Then I see how few boundaries they place on their children. There may be a lot of other factors that produce out of control children, but my guess is that boundaries could not hurt.
I admit, having children that don't behave may be the least of their problems. Some of them may not have supportive husbands or wives, or a host of other worse problems. If we were perfect we would parent perfectly even in the worst of situations. Unfortunately I know we are not perfect. I can grow in this area too.
I was inspired to write this blog tonight because of a scripture in Alma 42. Verse 19 says, "Now, if there was no law given--if a man murdered he should die--would he be afraid he would die if he should murder?" I realized that we need to give laws that create fear, or respect, for some consequence in our children. And then as D&C 121:43-44 says, "and then show forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death." Then the fear the children feel is not toward you as a parent. They know you are filled with love and the best for them, but they won't want to lose their toy, go to their room, or whatever else the consequence might be. And the best consequence is the natural consequence. My wife recently has come to say that often.
I cannot say that I know the best consequences that should be given, and maybe there isn't a best. We need to trust in the Lord to know what our children need. I can say that boundaries are part of the Lord's plan. They are put in place for our happiness. As I have placed them more faithfully they have brought my children a lot more happiness.
One of my supervisors said that children feel scared if we view them as powerful. The parents are supposed to be in control, so if the children are in control, they feel out of control and scared. Making decisions as a children was hard for me. If we set those boundaries the children feel safe and loved.
I am glad that the Lord has set boundaries for me to follow in the scriptures. There is no better direction to follow, unless it also comes directly from the Lord. Inspiration is wonderful, and those boundaries make the difference in my life.
A quick story: During my masters program I went to an opening social with my family. My daughter was given a balloon, which she decided I was not allowed to tie to her arm. Dutifully I followed her around so she would not cry when she let go of her balloon. I was following her around chairs when one of the professors said something like, "Well, we know which of you has the power," and laughed a little. It was a kind comment that stuck. Shouldn't I be letting my daughter learn from the consequences. The boundaries set by life itself are some of the most powerful.
Another example: I had a conversation recently with someone at work about whether or not to expect our children sit still in church and listen to the speaker or give them something entertaining to do. He moved here from England and thinks that we are too soft in the United States. I have to admit that I am somewhere in between. I entertain, but I also set boundaries (and who knows if that is the best strategy or not)--which was hard for me at first. I remember one Sunday, probably the first Sunday I was with my two girls all alone, the kids were climbing under the seats and all over the place until a sister in the ward called them over and got their attention with something. Boy did I feel relieved. Since then I have learned to set boundaries and not allow them to climb under the seats, leave the row, etc. Sometimes I have had to take them out and hold them, and it has slowly paid off.
When I look around at other families at church I see many that have children that are out of control--"ADHD," maybe on medication--and they often complain about their children. Then I see how few boundaries they place on their children. There may be a lot of other factors that produce out of control children, but my guess is that boundaries could not hurt.
I admit, having children that don't behave may be the least of their problems. Some of them may not have supportive husbands or wives, or a host of other worse problems. If we were perfect we would parent perfectly even in the worst of situations. Unfortunately I know we are not perfect. I can grow in this area too.
I was inspired to write this blog tonight because of a scripture in Alma 42. Verse 19 says, "Now, if there was no law given--if a man murdered he should die--would he be afraid he would die if he should murder?" I realized that we need to give laws that create fear, or respect, for some consequence in our children. And then as D&C 121:43-44 says, "and then show forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death." Then the fear the children feel is not toward you as a parent. They know you are filled with love and the best for them, but they won't want to lose their toy, go to their room, or whatever else the consequence might be. And the best consequence is the natural consequence. My wife recently has come to say that often.
I cannot say that I know the best consequences that should be given, and maybe there isn't a best. We need to trust in the Lord to know what our children need. I can say that boundaries are part of the Lord's plan. They are put in place for our happiness. As I have placed them more faithfully they have brought my children a lot more happiness.
One of my supervisors said that children feel scared if we view them as powerful. The parents are supposed to be in control, so if the children are in control, they feel out of control and scared. Making decisions as a children was hard for me. If we set those boundaries the children feel safe and loved.
I am glad that the Lord has set boundaries for me to follow in the scriptures. There is no better direction to follow, unless it also comes directly from the Lord. Inspiration is wonderful, and those boundaries make the difference in my life.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Forgiveness
I have a friend who told me about an atrocity that happened to their family. It resulted in a death, and now the perpetrator is on death row. Much of his family is still in shambles. The interesting thing that he almost said in passing was that he would never be able to forgive the person. This made me think of some studying I had done on the word forgive. Forgive actually comes from for meaning "away, far off" and give which has the same meaning we all know, the final result being the idea of giving away (see http://www.takeourword.com/TOW179/page2.html for a more in depth explanation and my quotes). So if the meaning of the word really is to give, or to give away, how do you give to someone on death row? You may pray for them, or hope the best for them, or hope that they repent in some form so that they will have some sort of salvation. And the interesting thing is that then the bad feelings go away.
I think one of the reasons we believe we cannot forgive is that we often associate forgiveness with pardoning someone and taking away their punishments. I feel that this is the farthest away from the truth that we can get. There are times we need to punish people. Imagine if children were never punished. The children would be unruly and out of control. And all of us face natural consequences. So whether or not I believe the prison system is the best system out there, I do believe that we need some type of consequences that lovingly help people improve.
I know forgiveness is hard. I am married and have three girls, I have to admit that giving is a hard thing to always do. I can be selfish, and then nothing good gets accomplished. But it is possible to forgive people, or at least do our best to give to people even if they are our enemies. I do my best in this area, even though I know I fall very short of my goal. Even though no one in my family is on death row, I know that forgiveness works when I use it the right way.
I think one of the reasons we believe we cannot forgive is that we often associate forgiveness with pardoning someone and taking away their punishments. I feel that this is the farthest away from the truth that we can get. There are times we need to punish people. Imagine if children were never punished. The children would be unruly and out of control. And all of us face natural consequences. So whether or not I believe the prison system is the best system out there, I do believe that we need some type of consequences that lovingly help people improve.
I know forgiveness is hard. I am married and have three girls, I have to admit that giving is a hard thing to always do. I can be selfish, and then nothing good gets accomplished. But it is possible to forgive people, or at least do our best to give to people even if they are our enemies. I do my best in this area, even though I know I fall very short of my goal. Even though no one in my family is on death row, I know that forgiveness works when I use it the right way.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Testimony
I was reading tonight in Alma 24 about how the Lamanites took their weapons and "did bury them up deep in the earth" (v. 17), and that act was "a testimony to God." (v. 18). I gained a completely different view on testimony. Usually when I think of testimony, I think of someone who gets up and bears their testimony in front of others (usually in a sacrament meeting). Maybe a better definition of testimony is something that proves to God that we are dedicated to Him.
The scripture also got me to think differently about Doctrine and Covenants 62:3, which says"Nevertheless, ye are blessed, for the testimony which ye have borne is recorded in heaven for the angels to look upon and they rejoice over you, and your sins are forgiven you." Maybe the testimony that we are bearing is our life, and we are to dedicate that life to God. Sharing that testimony in words is only one way of reaching people.
I have often heard that an example is more powerful than our words. Maybe our example as a testimony is also more powerful than any other kind of testimony we can bear.
The scripture also got me to think differently about Doctrine and Covenants 62:3, which says"Nevertheless, ye are blessed, for the testimony which ye have borne is recorded in heaven for the angels to look upon and they rejoice over you, and your sins are forgiven you." Maybe the testimony that we are bearing is our life, and we are to dedicate that life to God. Sharing that testimony in words is only one way of reaching people.
I have often heard that an example is more powerful than our words. Maybe our example as a testimony is also more powerful than any other kind of testimony we can bear.
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